Attempting to write poetry. For a book I don’t even want to write. Never been less inspired so I find myself on here again. Always promising to write more but always distracted. When I’m happy I forget to write, caught up in my own bubble of ecstasy. When I’m down I want to sick all of my thoughts out. Especially when there is no one here to talk to. Everyone is at work. Busy.
Yesterday, as I was getting ready to go to bed I checked my Facebook account once more before shutting down and the email icon blinked at me. I had mail. Now two Sundays ago the same thing happened about 10.30 pm and it was a message from my old friend Kim telling me my college friend Ian had died. I am starting to get more dubious about late night messages. I opened it and just blinked and read “from: Carly Newman” and the words “hope you don’t mind me emailing but...” on the title page. I knew instantly who she was. Although I’d only ever known her as just Carly. My half sister. Katie’s half sister too. My dad had a little girl when he was just 19. Afterwards he broke it off and met my mum, the rest is history.
Me and Kate weren’t told a lot. Protected is one word, but eventually everything must come to the surface. If I’m honest with you my head is still a little fucked up from the whole drama of my dad leaving my mum last year. This is one thing I don’t need right now. She was lovely in her email and we chatted a bit. Imagine my surprise when I found out she lives in the same town as me. So not only did I have another sister, we had most probably passed each other in the street without knowing. I feel so bloody sorry for her, being rejected by your father must be heart breaking. I’m obviously caught up still getting over my own situation and trying to resist the temptation to punch my father in the face after what he’s done to my mum. What makes it worse is that she still bumps into my Aunt and Uncle on my dad’s side and chats with them. She’s gone to visit my loopy gran – my dad’s mum - who I have never even met. She knows about me, what I’m up to. She even knew about our family situation. Yes, Banbury is a small place but to find out that she knows my history is strange when I know nothing of her. It also drags up the past for my mum. I’d never do anything to hurt her and would never ever jeopardise our relationship for anything. I’m sure she understands Carly’s curiosity. Anyone would want to find out about siblings, it’s a damn sight better than phoning Jeremy Kyle to help. So here it is. Hopefully the final piece in a very complex jigsaw. I don’t know if I’ll ever know everything about my dad and it breaks my heart. Every time I see people simply having coffee with their dad or chatting normally about them breaks me a little bit. A year ago that was me but now everything I’ve ever known has been turned on its head and I’ve never been so confused in my life. It seems the older I’m getting the more crap is surfacing. There has been a lot of death recently, not just Ian but a big character from uni. I’ve also been turned down from Wolverhampton for my PGCE so this is kind o the final straw right now. Just had to splurge this or I’ll take it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it later.
Oh happy Valentines day :)
